Review of "Transformers: Dark of the Moon," or How to Feign Dread at CGI-inspired Horror & Awesome

“We’ll kill all of them.” It’s a line, asserted so assuredly by a pissed-off Optimus Prime, in “Transformers: Dark of the Moon, that makes geek fans go giddy. Considering everything that typically goes into a Michael Bay movie, maybe perhaps for once, we have not a perfect “Transformers” film, but a good one. Way, way - there’s no other way but up – better than “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” and possibly on the verge of topping the original.

Of course, this has never been about character development, scripting or story line. (However, model Rosie Huntington-Whitely is considerably a marginal improvement over Megan Fox as the hottie by Shia LaBeauf’s side. (Hell, drywall would be an improvement over Megan Fox in the “acting” department.)

This is about special effects. This is about blowing up stuff real good. This is about all sorts of Autobots and Decepticons in an Earth-based battle of apocalyptic proportions. Humans die left and right to a greater extent in “Dark of the Moon” than in the previous two flicks. Los Angeles and New York get some bumps and bruises in the first two movies. Here, Washington D.C. and, especially Chicago, one of my favorite towns, gets destroyed up and down like nobody’s business. And visually, it’s rather epic.

With all the Autobots about to die, with Sam, his girlfriend this round, Epps and Lennox in perhaps the worst peril they’ve ever been in, and with all Earth hanging in the balance, there’s finally a darker, more thrilling aspect of cinematic “Transformers” in Part 3 than Bay and Steven Spielberg brought to the table in Parts 1 and 2.

Seeing that this perhaps Bay’s final “Transformers” movie as a director (too bad not his final, final movie ever), it’s a neat little sendoff. Is my ‘80s childhood for the better after seeing Michael Bay’s Transformers trilogy. Not necessarily, but to some certain degree, Bay redeemed himself from the carelessness of Part 2.

Now he’s free to make “Bad Boys 3.” Good luck with that.

Clues, Claims and Things Left Unspoken

So this is what it feels like to be 21.

Ok fine. Barely 30.

Alright, alright. 37. A few weeks into this age...now wholly into a markedly different age bracket... you must be curious as to whether I am that much closer to perennially cranky. Whether I'm wearing nothing but jumpsuits and sneakers 6 days a week. Whether I'm shouting for kids to "get off my lawn!” even when I don't have a lawn.

But never fear. I strive to maintain a careful balance between maturity, "acting my age" (whatever that really means), and preserving some semblance of a youthful, playful outlook on life. Sure, I'm still snarky. But I'm that way out of love. That's how my sense of humor rolls. I'm also learning to be a husband and step dad. I'm learning to better embrace my career. I'm learning to better envision an even brighter version of my future and that of my family. But I also strongly retain my inner geek, one that joyously holds dear a vibrant sense of nostalgia, and a continuing desire to envision an exciting array of life's possibilities.

Except for the part where two weeks ago, thanks to Craigslist, I sold off a gigantic chunk of sports cards -- 20,000 of them --- which I had accumulated mainly in my middle and high school years. I also recently sold off my remaining old-school Atari-era games. How old school? We're talking not just classic Missile Command, Pac-Man, Space Invaders or Pitfall, but Yars Revenge, Combat, Barnstorming, Haunted House and, inexplicably, two copies of Megaforce, based on one of the genuinely terrifically bad - no, horrendous - action flicks of the early '80s of the same name. Oh how I fondly remember going with my mom and aunt to Sears to get cartridges for my Atari 2600 system in the early '80s. Oh how I cried endlessly after selling off my sports cards and video games.

Funny that Mindy, one night out a few weeks ago, couldn't exactly recall how long she and I have known each other. Come this September, it will be five years. Five of the greatest years of my life - so far, of course =) It wasn't long before I Mindy that I experienced several personal "jolts," including the death of my mother and almost losing my long-time cat Topaz to a sudden illness. Being with Mindy -- this first marriage and instantly becoming a stepfather -- is a grand life-affirming event. I guess you could say the fun is just beginning. My bucket list is expanding by volumes.

Speaking of my inner geek being alive and well, I'm doing my best to keep track of Hollywood popcorn cinema. I'll spear you detailed, meandering individual reviews of films you've already seen for yourselves (in some cases, weeks or months ago) or even reviewed to marvelous ultra-snarky effect. So, here are my bullet-point reviews.

High scores for "X-Men: First Class," "Thor” and "Super 8." Director Matthew Vaughn's previous films "Layer Cake" and "Kick-Ass" were superb, so in that vein and by comparison, "First Class" was a vast improvement over "X-Men: The Last Stand" and "X-Men Origins: Wolverine." After all, we're kinda pretending those last two movies didn't happen. Like, you know, Superman 3 and 4. Comics-to-cinema-continuity be damned! However it was fun to see Kevin Bacon chewing up scenery as Sebastian Shaw, Michael Fassbender and James MacAvoy submit entertaining turns as young Eric Lensherr and Charles Xavier, Jennifer Lawrence making feel tingly as Raven Darkholme, and January Jones basically channeling Betty Draper in her performance as Emma Frost.

"Thor," ultimately was a fun popcorn comic adaptation. Not one of the greatest ever, but definitely not polarizing like the “Hulk” or “Fantastic Four” franchises or “Daredevil” or “Ghost Rider.” Definitely not on par with the likes of “Jonah Hex” nor “Elektra” or “Catwoman.” It's a nice set-up for next year's "The Avengers" and is serviceable as a standalone, big-screen introduction for audiences not so familiar with the source material. I'm a bit biased, being a Kenneth Branagh fan (sans the "Wild Wild West" misadventure), but he brought his epic Shakespearean touch to bear upon the specific set pieces exhibiting Thor's arrogance, Loki's scheming and a gamble to make Thor powerless in his descent to Earth. It works for the most part. It's entertaining for the most part. The acting is good as can be expected from such grandiose mainstream comic adaptations nowadays, although Tom Hiddleston was a solid winner as Loki, and doesn't Jeremy Renner's shadowy preview of Hawkeye send a few shivers up your spine? It had better. And it all makes up for the lack of chemistry between Chris Hemsworth and Natalie Portman.

Amazing some of reviewer comments out there about "Super 8" -- that it was unoriginal. That it was overly melodramatic. Maybe a little whiny. You got the memo, right? It's a homage! It's a J.J. Abrams' tribute to Spielbergian films (and similar family sci-fi fantasy) of the late 70s and early-mid 80s, perhaps a mini-golden era for us Gen X geeks. Don't deny having gotten warm fuzzies when E.T. bid farewell to Elliott. Or when Richard Dreyfuss boarded the mother ship. Or when Steve and Diane Freiling went into the light, fought noisy ghosts and yanked their Carol Anne from lost, bitter souls. You thought it was actually awesome when The Goonies, despite all their arguing and inanity, actually did all that crazy, heroic stuff. You thought it was cool when Ethan Hawke, River Phoenix and the other kid soared above suburbia to another part of the galaxy in an instant in their homemade spaceship. Queue the inspirational, sentimental John Williams scores. All of them.

Some people love Abrams. Some hate him. (Ok, the guy tripped me up a few times with "Mission: Impossible III" and several episodes of "Lost.") Having said all that, you can't help but be mostly and positively nostalgic with "Super 8." Sure, it has flaws. What films don't nowadays? All things considered, the acting is pretty on par (particularly Joel Courtney and Dakota Fanning's sister Elle), the special effects are sound, the geek and era references are fun to point out (i.e. Dick Smith's monster makeup handbook, zombies via the Romero corporation, the Space Shuttle interior poster, overnight photo development), and -- oh my -- lens flares. Glorious lens flares!

"The Hangover, Part 2” -- I'm still on the fence about this. As hard as it was to envision how such a sequel could ever hope to top its predecessor, there’s the desire to actually like or even love it. I liked “Hangover Part 2.” Didn’t love it. Of course, it’s exactly the same format as the original flick. We knew that going in. But expectations went up. Like they did when filming for “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace” kicked off. And there’s the curiosity factor, to see what hugely over-the-top antics these man-boys could find themselves in. Questions arise in your mind. Would such antics be as funny if not funnier? Would such antics garner the coveted title of “oh so wrong yet oh so irresistibly hilarious”? Would such antics be as polarizing as those in the first movie, if not more? After one viewing of the sequel, I could safely say it’s equally funny and entertaining, but not as satisfying. I’ll wait for the DVD extras and make up my mind then.

My mid-level rating for “Bridesmaids” is rising as time goes along. I’m a fan of Kristen Wiig. Her “Saturday Night Live” work aside, Kristen’s turn in “Knocked Up” was among the top 10 funniest things in that movie, and I took a liking to her characters in “Whip It” and “Extract.” And who wouldn’t be a fan of Maya Rudolph? Responding to comments by other reviewers…yes, “Bridesmaids” is cliched, but it wasn’t meant to be strictly a “The Hangover” for women. It’s how you deal with such cliched characters and elements, and Wiig, as the script writer, did well. With help from producer Judd Apatow, “Bridesmaids” turned out to be a full-on adult comedy with a heart, occasionally bordering on the raunchy but never explicitly crossing the line.

“Green Lantern,” to me, is harder to accept than Thor. It’s not dreadful nor is it great. It’s just there. It is difficult to adapt more than 50 years of comics into a two-hour mainstream origin flick. You’re torn between fanboys who desire pure translation, and an audience that is either mostly unfamiliar with the source material or has little patience for the most fantastical elements of the comic books. This movie is, essentially, a very loose adaptation of the Green Lantern: Secret Origin series. Ryan Reynolds looks the part of Hal Jordan (probably just as much as Kyle Rayner, but that’s another story). Mark Strong very much looks and sounds the part of Sinestro, perhaps the film’s strongest adapted character. The planet Oa looks just as CGI-astonishing as Asgard does in “Thor.” But Blake Lively adds little to the proceedings as Carol Ferris, and Peter Saargard’s Hector Hammond, just like in the comics, is a wasted quasi-villain. And suddenly it hits me how the Guardians of Oa and the film version of Parallax look like the titular character from “Megamind.” (Haw haw.) Don’t get me wrong. At times, “Green Lantern” looks like a truly comic bookish adaptation – colorful, swift with shreds of cheese thrown in for good measure.” But even as an introductory comic book movie, it leaves me neither overwhelmed nor excited.

Regardless, all of these summer flicks – in addition to catching up with the terrific the maybe-it’s-not-totally-a street art documentary “Exit Through the Gift Shop,” and the adequately fun popcorn flicks “The Losers,” “Red” and “The A-Team” – have given me the strength to get past the gaudiness and excess that apparently pervade “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” and “Transformers: Dark of the Moon.” What, no “Pirates 4” review? Nope. I survived the previous three movies with half-interest, waiting to see two of them on DVD/pay-per-view. I can wait a little longer to see “On Stranger Tides.” Amazing how producer Jerry Bruckheimer managed to enthrall movie-goers with a cinematic mythology based on a Disney amusement park ride. But outside of Johnny Depp’s performances, I couldn’t fully embrace this franchise. What, no recap for “Cars 2”? Nah. The first movie didn’t do anything for me. But call me if Disney and Pixar commit to a sequel (or even prequel) to “The Incredibles.”

As far as television geekdom goes, I’m settling in for another off-the-walls season of “True Blood” and trying to give “Falling Skies” a serious chance. Can’t wait for the Doctor Who fall season premiere, teased in the spring season finale with the glorious title “Let’s Kill Hitler!” And I grow more cautious with Starz’s Americanized version of “Torchwood.” While I’m anxious to take my step kids Cody and Emily to see “Transformers” and “Captain America” on the big screen after their return to S.A. this coming weekend, I’m looking equally forward to viewing “Horrible Bosses” and “The Change-Up” on the side. The “Fright Night” remake? Ehh, ummm, someone may need to hit me from behind with a blunt object and drag me there. I don’t have a problem with the basic idea of David Tennant being a great vampire hunter, but he’s miles and miles from Roddy McDowell’s epic performance in the original. Not that I need to get into it here with this “need” to further ruin our collective childhoods with remakes/reboots of 1980s flicks. That’s another blog altogether.

Speaking of which, apologies for the infrequent blog updates. I shall endeavor to conjure up mid-to-late summer cinema reviews. Otherwise, my next full-blown blog update won’t come out until the winter solstice, at this rate. So whether it is catching The Spazmatics in a Rackspace concert (pictured above) or celebrating my dog Dixie’s 18th (you read right) birthday (pictured above), it’s been a milestone yet fast-paced spring and early summer. Can’t wait to see what the rest of this summer has in store. Only at that time would it be prudent to expedite preparations for the end of the Mayan calendar.